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Can I get this one on a tea mug (I don't drink coffee)? === “Good morning, Everyone. The body is up. The mind will follow sometime later today.”


Garth L. Getgen

By Garth L. Getgen (Sgt_G) on Thursday, August 08, 2024 - 05:54 pm: Edit

I heard on the radio that the guy who invented Knock-Knock jokes was just awarded the No-Bell prize.


Garth L. Getgen

By Garth L. Getgen (Sgt_G) on Thursday, September 05, 2024 - 05:37 pm: Edit

My wife read a meme the other day: Life is not a fairy-tale; if you lose your shoe at midnight, you're probably just drunk.


Garth L. Getgen

By Steve Cole (Stevecole) on Sunday, October 13, 2024 - 02:40 am: Edit

Heeeeere I am, wagging my tail,
I'm the good dog of the universe.
Bark bark bark bark bark bark
I am a hunter. I have in me the blood of wolves.
I have no equal; no cat can be my rival.
I'm here to fetch the slippers of you aaaaa-all.

By Garth L. Getgen (Sgt_G) on Friday, November 15, 2024 - 04:47 pm: Edit

Clark Kent was having dinner when someone ran into the restaurant and shouted, “We need help! The church collapsed, and there are people trapped in the basement tombs!”

Superman-in-disguise replied, “Sorry, but I can’t go anywhere near that crypt tonight.”

()


Garth L. Getgen

By Steve Cole (Stevecole) on Thursday, November 28, 2024 - 10:35 am: Edit

"Why did the turkey bring a microphone?" "He was ready to roast."
"Which side of a turkey has more feathers?" "The outside."
"Why did the turkey stand on stilts?" "Because nobody eats flamingoes for Thanksgiving dinner."
"What kind of turkey requires ID?" "Wild Turkey."
"What did the turkey say when he met the president?" "Pardon me."
"How does a turkey travel?" "By gravy train."
"What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving?" "Lucky!"
"What did the turkey say to his real estate agent?" "Turn-key only."
"What’s a turkey’s favorite month?" "They don’t have one, but they prefer any other than November!"
"What sound does a turkey's phone make?" "Wing-wing-wing."
"What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?" "Quack, Quack!"
"Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?" "He sensed fowl play."
"What key has legs and can't open a door?" "A tur-key."
"Why did they let the turkey join the band?" "Because he had his own drumsticks."
"What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?" "He got the stuffing knocked out of him!"

By Gregory S Flusche (Vandar) on Thursday, November 28, 2024 - 12:49 pm: Edit

Those made my wife grown YEAH

By Douglas Lampert (Dlampert) on Thursday, November 28, 2024 - 02:52 pm: Edit

My wife got the flamingoes one, which is not the one I'd have expected her to guess.

The one about "What did the turkey say to his real estate agent?" "Turn-key only." came the closest to an actual groan.

By Steve Cole (Stevecole) on Thursday, December 05, 2024 - 11:08 pm: Edit

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, “I’ll bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness. (Mark Twain)

It takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.

It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken, and it’s all ‘Sir, you need to leave!’.

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row, now.

If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what’s on the list when I am at the store.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad for you.

By Steve Cole (Stevecole) on Thursday, December 05, 2024 - 11:10 pm: Edit

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say, ‘We have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?’ The mathematician, without hesitation, says ‘1000.’

The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers ‘1000…I’m 95% confident.’ He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.

When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: ‘What is 500 plus 500?’ The accountant replies, ‘What would you like it to be?’ They hire the accountant.

By Steve Cole (Stevecole) on Thursday, December 05, 2024 - 11:10 pm: Edit

“When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes.”



“I have reached an age where my mind says, ‘I can do that,’ but my body says, ‘Try it and you’ll be sorry’.”



“The neighbors already have their Christmas lights up, so I’m inviting them to our Easter egg hunt this afternoon.”

By Garth L. Getgen (Sgt_G) on Friday, December 06, 2024 - 12:40 am: Edit

And I have reach an age where my mind says, "Nope, not anymore," and my body says, "Thank you."


Garth L. Getgen

By Garth L. Getgen (Sgt_G) on Friday, December 06, 2024 - 12:43 am: Edit

True story: a Lieutenant Colonel at work recently celebrated his birthday, so I causally asked "How many?" When he told me, I said, "Sir, you were born the year after I enlisted in the Air Force."


Garth L. Getgen, MSgt USAF (ret)

By Ryan Opel (Ryan) on Friday, December 06, 2024 - 08:57 am: Edit

When I was mobilized in Iraq in 2004 I had someone show up to work for me who was born after I enlisted. She is now retirement eligible.

By Mike Grafton (Mike_Grafton) on Friday, December 06, 2024 - 10:08 am: Edit

I was in Afghaniostan chatting with a SF Master Sergeant. Hw had enlisted on the 18X option so he had always been SF. He joined right after 9/11 and didn't believe me when I told him some enlisted men are made to paint rocks.

By Terry O'Carroll (Terryoc) on Saturday, December 07, 2024 - 05:01 pm: Edit

My new food regime is nothing but Ecuadorian cuisine. It's called the Quito-genic diet

By Jeff Anderson (Jga) on Thursday, December 19, 2024 - 05:54 pm: Edit

Just finished modifying my choice of wardrobe for the holiday season. I added mistletoe sprigs to my back beltloops.

(Is it any wonder that the only thing I do on Boxing Day is check the commodities market for the going price of coal?)

By Steve Cole (Stevecole) on Thursday, December 26, 2024 - 09:45 pm: Edit

“Things You Learn If You Live Long Enough:

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation with ‘Maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.
A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, ‘How long do you need them?’ The guy answers, ‘A long time. We’re gonna build a house.’
I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza was in the oven.
Who knew that the hardest thing about being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single day for the rest of your life until you die?
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 a.m. 3 AM!!! Luckily I was already up playing my bagpipes.
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of ‘The Hoarders,’ and think, ‘Wow! My house looks great’.”
--First Baptist Church email newsletter

By Steve Cole (Stevecole) on Thursday, December 26, 2024 - 09:46 pm: Edit

“I am so glad I was young and stupid BEFORE there were camera phones.”



“Saw a store that has a sign that reads, ‘We treat you like family?’ Yup, NOT going in there.”



“Elementary kids have iPhones. When I was a kid, I put glue on my hands just so I could peel it off when it dried.”



“It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now.”
--First Baptist Church email newsletter

By Garth L. Getgen (Sgt_G) on Tuesday, December 31, 2024 - 03:32 pm: Edit

For Jean: Grammarian vs Errorist - a supervillain showdown


Garth L. Getgen

By Gregory S Flusche (Vandar) on Tuesday, December 31, 2024 - 06:04 pm: Edit

Thank you, Garth, I need to show that to the wife

By Mike Grafton (Mike_Grafton) on Wednesday, January 01, 2025 - 11:51 am: Edit

Quite amusing.

By the way, I really like that channel.

By Steve Cole (Stevecole) on Friday, January 17, 2025 - 12:31 am: Edit

“I don’t know why everyone dislikes lazy people. We didn’t even do anything.”

“Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.”

“I just bought a donut without sprinkles. Wow, diets are hard.”

By Jean Sexton Beddow (Jsexton) on Monday, March 03, 2025 - 03:02 pm: Edit

AI: 67346 is not a valid German postal code because all German postal codes are five digits long.

Me: I count five digits.

Stupid AI.

By Garth L. Getgen (Sgt_G) on Wednesday, April 09, 2025 - 10:57 pm: Edit

Why can't Commander Data use the internet?

(answer in white) Because he can't check "I'm not a robot" on the CAPTCHA tests.


Garth L. Getgen

By Steve Cole (Stevecole) on Thursday, April 10, 2025 - 09:52 pm: Edit

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A backward poet writes inverse.

By Jeff Wile (Jswile) on Saturday, June 14, 2025 - 02:47 pm: Edit

There is a group in Canada, that wishing to show solidarity with like minded people in the United States, started a “No Kings” movement…

That is, until it was pointed out to them, that Actually, Canada does have a king.

By Kosta Michalopoulos (Kosmic) on Saturday, June 14, 2025 - 04:06 pm: Edit

Canadians can have their cake and eat it too. We have a King that lives in another country, so we don't have to pay for his upkeep. He comes for a visit once in a while, and then we do the whole pomp and circumstance thing. Then he goes back home and we can get on with our lives.

By Jeff Anderson (Jga) on Saturday, June 14, 2025 - 06:06 pm: Edit

An acquaintance of mine frequently shows up with amusing shirts on.

Had one the other day that really gave me a chuckle. It said,

"Am I perfect?"

"No."

"But am I working to be better?"

"Also no."