Federation Commander

SCOUTDAD!

I cannot believe you wrote that. You've misled the entire Forum.

You know very well that it is BBQing ONLY if the meal is rushed. BBQ sauce covers up that Hydran je ne sais quoi.

A gentle marinade of the Hydran (covered with a thin layer of sea salt) takes at least 24 hours. That is followed up by rinsing the Hydran and patting it dry. A nice flavored butter is then patted over the Hydran and it is seared at a high temperature to seal in the flavor. Then the temperature is reduced and the Hydran is cooked until the desired interior temperature is reached. (Be sure not to get the thermometer too near a bone.) Garnish appropriately and serve piping hot.

While some swear that slices are best cooked in a cast-iron frying pan, it is generally agreed that this tends to toughen the Hydran.

[From the article "How to Serve Hydrans" by Cat Who Cooks. (Kzinti Culinary Delights v. 500, no. 5, 2560). Please note that this article is considered quite controversial as some consider that it is intellectually plagiarized from the article "Hydrans Served Well" by Purrr Sweet Lee, published in Now We're Cooking, v. 428. no. 3, 2540. Kzinti cooking enthusiasts point out the different temperatures and suggested marinades yield a completely different (and exquisite) flavor. Lyrans tend to roar "Thief" and slaughter those who defend the Kzintis. Most diplomats are cautioned to never mention the article.]

Jean wrote:.... to seal in the flavor.

Are you sure you'd want to? I've always thought they taste of rubber.....

Better to let the flavor escape, surely?

Class posting anyway, Jean. Nice one

My dear Kang,

This was just received from Cat Who Cooks.

A rubbery-tasting Hydran is a clear indication that the preparation has been rushed. The salt tends to draw out the more unpleasant tastes of a Hydran (found in those who have prepared theirs quickly) and the marinade is designed to deeply penetrate the Hydran (do be sure to cover the Hydran completely in the marinade).

No doubt you have only been served Hydrans prepared by Lyrans and no doubt that is why you think them rubbery. It is a clear indication of the lack of culinary skills typical of that Empire.

This was received from Purrr Sweet Lee

That lying [expletive deleted] furry [expletive deleted] thief wouldn't know how to serve a Hydran any more than harejkaslaas can fly. [Please note that harejkaslaas weigh several tons and live in the sea. --ed.] In all truth, we had to rush the first one we served to a Klingon and he said he just adored it, so that has been the manner of preparation for Klingons since that day. This is the first notice we have gotten that perhaps Klingons were just "being polite". We shall try to rectify that in the future.

Dear Cat Who Cooks

I understand. The Hydran was indeed cooked by a Lyran - we are allies, after all - and in fact it was the only Hydran I have ever tried; unlike some races, we Klingons are not in the habit of eating our enemies.

He had been trying to cook the Hydran 'in his own methane'; an idea which he seemed unaware can only work when the Hydran is actually being cooked somewhere on a gas giant planet, since methane is a gas at the temperatures we exist at. Indeed, it is only possible if the methane is used as the fuel for the cooking, rather than as a flavouring agent. It is not at all similar in any way to cooking one of those revolting Earth squids in its own ink, despite the apparent parallels.

I am unaware as to whether you have tried this method of cooking Hydrans yourself, but your recipe suggestions sound far more feasible than all that chancy messing about with liquid methane. The only place where this material may be useful in our kind of environment would be to prepare ultra-frozen desserts. Which you then set fire to.

Finally may I add that I do not wish to meet any Kzinti over a barbecue, tasty marinades or no.

With respects,

Kang

You may be fortunate enough, when raiding civilan settlements, to capture some young Hydrans.

Do make sure to kill, skin and joint the children in front of their parents - and do take your time over it! - before you kill them too.
Killing family members one at a time is fun as well.

The stress hormones this releases will add a delightful piquancy to the flesh of the adults.

Enjoy!

Bet they still taste of rubber

Finally may I add that I do not wish to meet any Kzinti over a barbecue, tasty marinades or no.

My dear Kang, the Federation made us promise not to barbecue Klingons anymore. You would be quite welcome at a barbecue.

Cat Who Cooks

Kang! Don't go! It's a trap, I tell you, a trap!

Notice that lying [expletive deleted] furry [expletive deleted] thief of a cook said nothing about poaching, boiling, broiling, baking, roasting, frying, grilling, or any of the other myriad ways to serve a Klingon. You could end up as a side dish at the barbecue!

Yours in haste,

Purrr Sweet Lee
(We allies have to look out for each other!)

Oops?

Cat Who Cooks

I don't mind licking my own fingers after a meal. I draw the line at letting others lick them.

Givin what Klingons eat, I wouldn't be to surprised if they ate their enemies. In fact, I could even see a Klingon eating a Gorn!

Not if the Gorn ate him first. Nasty big sharp pointy teeth!

Klingons eat "grey rations". The shortest book in the SFU is "The comprehensive guide to gourmet Klingon cuisine". It has one page... and it's blank.

Being Scottish, I would, of course, suggest that the only way to eat anything properly is to make use of a large enough deep fat fryer. Plentiful quantities of Romulan Ale should mask any unpleasant after taste (as well as the remainder of the evening if you misjudge how much to drink).